Many of my readers know the 'Gentleman' closely. Others do not. I've been in talks with Mr. Aaron "The Gentleman" Kaetterhenry for the past month or so about possibly having a quarterly lifestyle column to help enlighten my readers.
The Gentleman has graciously accepted my offer of continued radness in exchange for an occasional piece of dating advice. While I don't need it, obviously, I know that many of my readers may need some helpful advice on the subject.
So here it is, the inaugural installment of "Smooth Moves With The Gentleman". Enjoy.
How to Punt on a first Date
For the purposes protecting identities of all those involved in the following special correspondence for Mr. Schultz’s blog, names have been changed...
While entertaining Mr. and Mrs. Schultz with the story of a date gone horribly awry, Steve asked if I would share my story and all the lesson that I learned. “What lesson” you ask, at which point I correct you by saying, “what lesson(s)”…
Lesson #1 – Never bring a box of frozen food to a first date.
First off, planning a date that starts at 10:30pm on a week night, when you get up for work at 7:00am is probably not a good idea unless you plan on it being one of those good kind of dates. This wasn’t that.
After planning to meet.., let’s call her Wanda because who names their daughter Wanda, I stayed at the climbing gym until 10pm, remember kickoff was at 10:30pm, and left little time and far too few option for the dinner I agreed to pick up. Wanda asked for anything but frozen pizza, which pretty much was all I could think of.
What can you get at 10pm at night that’s classy, easy to make and tastes delicious? Stouffers Frozen Lasagna. Even after being warned by two separate people that this is a bad idea I went ahead (hey, it’s not like it was hot pockets).
Showing up for a first date with a box of frozen lasagna under your arms is not smart, funny, but not smart. Wanda was cool though and laughed it off until we both realized said lasagna, frozen, takes two hours to cook. Who knew? I ended up ordering pizza. (I let Wanda keep the lasagna).
Lesson #2 – Under no circumstances is it ok to flirt with your dates’ roommate even if she starts it.
Wanda and I were in her living room chatting while we ate pizza, getting to know each other and having a pretty good time when Wanda’s roommate, who for the purpose of this article will be known as Jezebel, and her boyfriend enter the apartment a little tipsy (and by a little tipsy I mean pretty hammered) and decided to keep us company.
I can be a funny guy, sometimes, but apparently Jezebel found me ab-so-lutely hilarious. So much so, that she thought shouting, “I love him” and “bring him over again” and several other declarations of affection were a good idea. I thought I was just being nice to her drunk roommate but maybe I was too nice to Jezebel because Wanda gave my number to Jezebel... That right there may have been the moment it all went down in flames, but somehow, this sad soap opera got to play out a little further. (See lesson #3).
Lesson #3 – Never say you’re sorry after kissing a girl
To let this horrific date play out this long, Wanda is a trooper, but to actually let the guy who brought her boxed lasagna kiss her good night? That pretty much makes her an all star. Yes, after all of the above Wanda and I actually kissed but why, why, why would anyone ever apologize to someone after kissing them for the first time. I have no idea. None. Zip. But I did it. Hi, have we met? My name is dumbass. Needless to say that had to be the end of this epic fail, right? Not hardly.
Lesson #4 – See lesson two.
Remember when I said Wanda gave Jezebel my phone number? Jezebel made sure to text bright and early, jokingly (or flirtingly… is that a word?) apologizing for treating me like a monkey (that’s a whole other tangent to go off on). I replied with a funny haiku, bad move… Never write poetry, no matter how funny, to someone other than the person you went on a date with. That pretty will much end any and all correspondence you will have with the original date. Wanda kindly but firmly informed me that our pre-planned second date activity was on hold… permanently. I don’t blame her. None of the other girls that have heard this story blame her either.
There are so many other little nuances of badness I could recall from that one date, like showing her my friends climbing blog so I could show her a tasteful picture series of a RV peeing, or when the 5lbs of frozen lasagna fell out of the freezer and almost broke Wanda’s toe or when Jezebel (remember, she’s hammered drunk at this point) wanted to compare tattoos with me… even the one on her butt (Wanda sitting right next to me). Let me end this tale of epic failure with a few final reflections:
1) I will never again do any of the above ever again.
2) I will never again do any of the above ever again.
3) Murphy’s Law is true: when something can go bad, it will go bad - amazingly bad
4) I will bring boxed or bagged frozen food on a date again. I hope.
5) I can live comfortably knowing that if I ever get another girl to agree to go on date with me again it can’t go any worse. I hope.
5 months ago