Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Smooth Moves With The Gentleman - Weird Dude Nude

The time has arrived for the second installment in "Smooth Moves With The Gentleman".  Mr. Aaron has given us here at the Gnar a wonderful piece filled with enlightenment, joy and prosperous hope....and weird old dudes prancing around in the buff.  Enjoy.

Ouch My Eyes

A social commentary by The Gentleman

Mr. Steven Schultz has graciously allowed me the use of his blog a pulpit from which to enumerate my views of an egregious social wrong. What wrong? The awkwardness perpetrated by creepy middle-aged to elder men once they enter a gym locker room. 

Fortunately for most of us, the majority of climbing gyms don’t have separate locker room/changing rooms for men and women. Subsequently there are significantly less incidences of what I like to term “weird-dude nude”. However, for those of us who like to cross-train, and find themselves doing so in a public facility, most likely have been exposed to this vile blight on the eyes of social behavior. 

I’ve belonged to a gym most of my adult life, and I have never, for the life of me, felt the need to do my calisthenics in the locker room, which are typically pretty confined quarters, and never even would’ve considered doing them sans clothes and way too close to the guys around me. Weird dudes. WTF. Seriously. Is there any reason to bust out straight leg bent-over-toe-touching maneuvers with your posterior pointed directly at the guy next to you trying to put on his shoes and get the F away from you? No, there isn’t. 

Or you, yes, you, the bald guy standing in the middle of the walk way, 100% nekked, using the complimentary blow dryer to dry that wool sweater of chest hair. For real, who does that? Oh, don’t let me forget about you, Mr. Jack Lelane-wannabe! You’re like a hundred. Why are you at the gym? Who are you kidding? Being alive is too much enough exercise for you. How did you even manage to get that leprosy ravaged thing you call a leg up onto the bench next that poor b*stard playing with his Ipod and what the hell are you doing throwing out a few lunges in his direction? 

I’ve discussed this disturbing phenomenon with women I know that also frequent gyms and they have confirmed the existence of a female sub-set of creeps, who I can only label as weird-chick-nudes and I have been told that their locker-room conduct is no less “biz-turbing” (yes, I invented a word to capture this experience as it is both bizarre and disturbing). I was provided several examples of the lady-creeper moves, like the dental-floss dry-off…. No one should abuse a towel like that. Not ever. And to do so in front of people, like some horrific spectacle… Not. Acceptable. 

I have only recently come upon a hypothetical origin for these yahoos. They have to be an evolution of the swimsuit kids. You know, the ones who always wore swimsuits, like everywhere, even at home, in the shower. It may be that all the repression exploded in a mushroom cloud of creepy once they hit middle-age. But it’s just a hypothesis… for now. 

I’d like to thank Steve for letting me shed light on these social-misfits and they’re abhorrent behavior. Although the best bet to scour this vile scourge from the Earth is to avoid gym locker rooms entirely that may not be a realistic goal, especially given how narcissistic we are (well, at least in my case). At least getting the word out about these locker room terrorists may prepare people more properly for some of the shocking sh&t this sub-class of creep-nazis do when they’re in the buck and behind a locker room door.


  1. So at a former job I was in membership sales at a high end fitness chain. You see some really rediculas stuff for sure.

    Perhaps the most scaring of them all was a week or two into my employment when I was walking thru the locker room to use the restroom. On the way you pass by the multi-sink vanity area. As I turn the corner, while looking at the floor, I notice a towel on the ground next to one leg. Slightly confused, I obviously look up. This is where it gets awkward, the other leg of course was ever so gently placed up on the counter so that the older gentleman was able to properly shave his balls!!! Yes, you read that properly, in front of the wide open vanity, in a health club, was where this 50 year old thought it was proper to groom his nether region. Now it is permanently burned into my head, forever.

  2. You don't shave your balls? Come on now. -Unsigned :)

  3. Ha,ha! You guys both posted great stories. My mental images are biz-turbing for sure, I'm now going to google happier images.
    Thanks for the post Gentleman.

    Who wants to go bouldering tomorrow? I know RV has been wrangled into going, he will send Moj, if he hasn't today.

  4. Oh man. Knew this was gonna get some good comments.

    And Remo, RV actually went up yesterday......he stuck the crux move twice but didn't figure out the ending. I gave him the good betas and he should send soon.

  5. I made no mention of me not shaving my balls. However, I generally choose to do it in the privacy of my own bathroom and not in a health club. If it was a matter of him just wanting not having a razor at home and wanting to use one of the free ones. I would encourage him to go ahead and bring that free one home and slap his leg up at one of his sinks there. I don't care if it is in his kitchen while he's preheating the oven and mincing garlic. Just as long as I don't have to see it.

  6. Trim that hair! Makes it look longer. Ever notice all the porn dudes are nicely trimmed? -Again, name withheld

  7. Does it not seem silly that Eggnuts thinks he's really concealing his identity? There are only about 5 people that check this site every 3 and a half minutes. Don't be ashamed of your pleasantly groomed naughty bits sir. be proud.

  8. Who me? Not a chance, man! Au naturale!!! ce