Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Smooth Moves With The Gentleman - Milk Your Mustache

With things being slow round these parts and summer officially setting in I thought I'd dig out the next volume of Smooth Moves With The Gentleman. So sit back, grab a bottle of bourbon and enjoy the drop of knowledge.

So homeboy from out of town broke his leg at the gym a couple months ago. I was there. It was gross. I almost threw up in my mouth. For real. I thought it was a hold snapping. Turned out it was a tibia. Every one ran away. When I saw it, I wanted to tell homeboy, “hey, legs aren’t supposed to look like that”, but he was all sweaty and in shock and then I was on the phone with 911 and Bucky was splinting his leg and all, so, you know, I’m telling him now. Dude. Don’t break your leg at my gym again.

People want to blame bouldering, saying it’s dangerous. Psshhhffttt on that. Bro needs more milk, it’s got calcium, that shit is good for bones.

This isn’t the first time this happened. One time, a girl fell in the cave and busted her elbow. Straight up not cool. I really don’t want to go the gym, expecting a nice, low key night and then have to look at you, all broken up, freaking out, waiting for a paramedic and ambulance. You know what? If you drank more milk none of this would’ve happened.

Another time, I wasn’t even there and this dude apparently blew his leg up while bouldering and tried to have his friend carry him out to his car because he was too cheap for ambulance or didn’t have health insurance or something. Dude. You don’t need insurance if you have milk bro. So stop being cheap and go buy some. I’d recommend Whole Milk with Vitamin D.

That’s what I blame all the people that hurt themselves at our gym on, not enough milk. Definitely wasn’t the fact that no one ever asks for a spot and people fall like a drink down a flight of stair.

Don’t get me started on the time that that girl in Mrs. Gnar’s beginner climbing class had her foot come off.…..

Milk probably wouldn’t have helped that. Probably.


  1. John KnoernschildJune 21, 2011 at 1:55 PM

    First time I've read Smooth Moves. LOL. This is hilarious!